Breast problems

Had infection that time. was shivering and had fever. couldn't see doc cos andy's relatives from muar were here for 2 days. I couldn't take the engorgement and attempted to get help from breastfeeding support group, joyful parenting help and other lactaction consultants. no help was available as it was a Sunday. I beared with the pain and continued expressing my milk every 3 hrly interval. wanted to give up breastfeeding then.

my sis smsed cheryl who then contacted yen ping. yen ping called me on tues and i went down to see her. sharon, a lactation nurse and yen ping, then helped me to massage and taught me how to use the pump. my breasts was still very badly blocked. They cleared most of the lumps but it was really a tortorous experience. i cried during the process. told yen ping that i wanted to give up. she encouraged me and taught me how to boost my milk supply. bought fenugreek and went home to pump. hubby is really a source of support. he supported me in whatever i do. bought nipple shield, breast pump, breast pads, nipple cream, milk bags and fenugreek just to support me in my breastfeeding career.

Was rather scared when my breasts were hard the next morning and couldn't pump out much. Had a phobia and told andy that I din wanna breastfeed anymore. but felt very guilty towards my baby (I couldn't give her the best), my husband (who spent so much money on breastfeeding equipment and time and effort in driving me down to see lactation consultant), my sis, cheryl and yen ping as they had given me lot of help and encouragement. Really appreciate them but it was me, the useless mummy, who gave up in the end. :(

Cried again on and off whenever I think abt breastfeeding. Knew I would regret my decision but really couldn't take the physical and mental torture. Tried to compensate by spending more time bonding with my children (could now carry her when she cries and attend to my son when he's back) and also tried to take over more burden from my hubby who's very tired with supporting me and taking care of both children while I was breastfeeding the other time.

This will always be my regret that I did not persevere enough in breastfeeding. Hope my dear children would not blame me for not giving them the best in the future even though I love them dearly.